Searching

Searching all around
with an uneasy heart
racing pounding like a waterfall
and perspiring palms
unable to feel peace within
I search all around

Searching the low's and the high's
my eyes wonder
flickering like the fire
moving like the air
never stopping once
I search all around

Can't go on forever like this
searching inside the soul
and amidst the nature
I search all around
for the stability,
that doesn't come too easy...

What's It Gonna Be: A Life-jacket or an Alligator?

It’s been a while and I am not really back on my feet, as yet. THAT is a record in itself…you would know if you knew me. Life is a bloody place…any place…it has roads that take turns and twists and then you take a left only to realize that right was the way to go…Damn!

Don’t get me wrong. I never wished to know the path to my destination; I mean why would I want to know the path when I am clueless about the destination? However, I have this weird habit of knowing where I am headed. Maybe that gives me a sense of familiarity enough or a feeling of having control over things. Now this is even weirder since I like being spontaneous. Like falling in love and then getting to know the real person. Somehow, life has over taken my vehicle…well, I was always bad at driving, wasn’t I?

For once I am clueless about where to go and am looking for GPRS activated road maps but can’t find them. There’s been just so many changes on the path, which were completely out of my control. Like when government finally decides to do renovation of the road that you take to office everyday and that makes you getting stuck in jams for no fault of yours. It feels like the same thing. Now that the road has finally been constructed, I don’t know where to go or which path to follow any more. And what is M-O-S-T annoying is that THIS is not how I, ME, MESH eva felt…this is so wrong! I am always in control and been declared the official agony aunt, the one who knows answers to everything and has sorted her life, knows what to do and does it even when the times are tough. But this is beyond me. It simply is.

Facebook is a farce. Nothing but a farce. A clever disguise I put on each day and put up status messages which are not so much meant for people to think that I am still the same insane devil but it is more an attempt to make me feel that things are still the same; that I am still in control.

Time is running out and I guess that makes me even more nervous. Like, I am getting all lost. Crap. This is so NOT me!

Could there be any which way to bring my life back on track? Maybe I know the answer. But the same thing which I perhaps need to give up is one of the dearest to me right now. The only thing I am hanging onto to stay afloat…just need to figure out if it’s a life-jacket or an alligator pulling me down.

And I Am Back!

Satan Queen is back and with vengeance! The sprit that I am usually known for, unlike yesteryears, is now slightly comforted. However, that in no way means that I am unable to go on a bashing spree! In fact, if the gods be believed I have emerged slightly more determined.

The past few months that I was away from the blogosphere has taught me a handful of things or rather the realization is stronger than before.

Here’s what life and few barefaced people taught me-

• Niceness is not always met with an equal and opposite reaction

• The same rule is applied in equal proportion to the recently popular trait (thanks to the daily soap, sach ka samna’) called ‘honesty’

• God is not always fair and that not everything happens for good

• Yes, Yes, Yes! It is the era when ram went to take a hike and ravana settled comfortably in his place

I know I sound completely unlike the usual ol’ optimistic me, but then again I am going through a very different phase of life. Having said all that, I can’t really leave the ‘whole of me’ behind. So, I am going to go globe trotting, in a way that will give a completely new meaning to the phrase, and put the puzzle back in place…After all, Satan Queen ain't gonna give up so easy! ;)

The Longest Journey to Home

The ride back to Vasant Kunj had never been this long or tiring. My hand shaking for no apparent reason – I am still 22 so I am yet to see that side of the age – as I tried to limply puff up the ultra mild I was carrying. One after another. And then more. A blank mind is nothing new to an experienced Libran, yet that day it was. It felt as if my mind was playing games with me. It would recollect the events of barely few minutes back and then suddenly go blank. Tears trickling down my cheeks. I was lost. For the first time I could realize how the meaning of life is exaggerated, how little problems are blown out of proportion. And again the thoughts would take a round turn back to horrific event…

A loud bang. Followed by numerous thoughts in a minuscule second, “Did a CNG cylinder burst or is it…was it …could it be…a bomb blast?” A hot sting on my right leg as I was still trying to comprehend things. Couldn’t care less about it. Heart beating a thousand beats in a minute as I spin around only to find a cloud of smoke greet me. Suddenly the busy streets of GK M block turned into a sight from a nightmare. Besides a few people trickling here and there, nothing else was visible to my sight. Mind was still unable to comprehend anything, i.e. till the time I saw a young man running along with a girl, holding hands. Immediately as if waiting for this exact cue, bees started buzzing around. These human bees though belonging to varied caste, culture and creed, had the same expression tattooed their faces — that of fear and helplessness.

Someone yelled, “a girl is hurt. Her leg is bleeding.” Instantly my head did a swift 360 degree spin to search for her. I will skip this part…it is better to delete certain parts from ones memory for the sake of heart.

I knew there would have been casualties. Perplexed, one leg wanted to rush while the other wanted to turn towards the smoke and see if any help was required. Finally, I gathered all courage I could muster up from the core of my totally freaked out heart. At that very moment, fear and strength intermingled inside me as I briskly made my way through the smoke. I looked all around but couldn’t see anyone. Finally I turned back and walked out of the market. I didn’t run. I still can’t imagine that I didn’t run. Maybe my legs were not in sync with my brain! Could still see people rushing around. A father holding the hand of his daughter and the mother quickly in tow with the young son was running to safety.

The entire lane wherein one could see people haggling with the auto rickshaw drivers was looking like a lane straight out of a horror flick. I reached inside my pocket and tried to call my mother to tell her that she will have to shell out money for my marriage after all! Lines, needless to say, were jammed. I knew I had to leave that place, so I started walk. The numb mind couldn’t distinguish one lane from another. I continued walking, going wherever my legs would take me. Frantic calls from office, friends and home had started coming by then. My shopping trips are way too well known.

Sitting in the auto with salt covered cheeks I was thinking about destiny and the role it plays. I had gone to GK M block 2 days back to shop. Instead of just a pair of jeans that I originally wanted, I ended up blowing way too much moolah there. Armed with a zillion bags, I forgot my own bag at the shop. The next day office work begged me not to go to GK. Finally, I decided to collect the bag from GK on Sat and meet my friend after that. Turned out that I had to go and work on an e-mailer that was seriously screwed. Work on an off day! As a result went to GK later than I had decided. My friend, who as a strict rule doesn’t work even during the weekdays, decided to complete his office work and meet me at 7 p.m. I, thus, had ample time to roam around GK. Destiny wanted me to be there but God helped me come out of it safe…well almost.

Once back at my friends place (he drove at a speed of over 100 and he’s not a regular biker guy!) we chewed on whatever we could and I slept after checking on my family and friends.

The next day when I finally was able to smoke without my hand shaking, I realized that my leg was bleeding. 2 deep cuts and a swollen leg.

I am yet to shrug off the weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I laugh now but that day has definitely left behind a sadness that I am unable to wipe off. I have heard time is the biggest healer – hopefully it will heal the void I feel inside me now. I was lucky but there were numerous others who were not. So I move on for there is nothing that I can do now. At times I kick myself for not being courageous enough to go deeper into the smoke to help others. I learnt that it is better to just do the right thing without giving it a second thought. I don’t want to ever regret anything.

This one incident taught me more than not to go for frequent shopping trips; not to fill gas in a lighter( I could have been at prince pan shop had I not got frustrated of numberless guys there); and that silver jewelry is way better than junk jewelry. Delhi blasts taught me that life is too short to hold grudges; it is too short to worry about future; that it is too short to not profess love to the ones we truly care about. So, I am a self proclaimed casanova now! Spreading love!...just kidding! At times it is important to just laugh.

A Thing...called as Precaution...

Indian government is going hoarse talking about the importance of using condoms. 'Do it after the age of 18...and with CONDOMS! Yah! We are listening. Go on. ' It's 99% safe. So what about the rest 1% of risk? Pat comes the reply, don't have premarital sex! Ah! The agony of life...not for me but for most! :P

I can't resist doing a bit of plagiarism here..I will make a pout and say,"Honey, its inspiration" and hope the cute pout works and you believe me! Anyways there is this sms that I got from a friend. You know if you wanna have completely safe sex then try this- Have sex with not one bubble on but two! Yah, thats true. To be ultra safe, try this- Between the 2 bubbles apply some red chilli powder..if the inner breaks, the girl will know and if the out one breaks, the guy will know. Result? You get plenty of time to make amends and hopefully, if you are the super h***y types or if the damsel in question is ouch, so hot, you can start off again! Now, only if the medical dept. of India would have thought of such nice ways to prevent pregnancy! But then again, not all can be as smart as me ( or as modest!)!

Anyways, the reason I started scribbling this post was not because I had this sudden urge to 'make love' but because of an incident that transpired in the morning. My invisible wings have finally found new life...I have moved out of house and found a place closer to my workplace. Pretty cool, eh? Saturday, 10:10 a.m. was definitely the most inauspicious time. The night before, it had rained crazy and the wind was blowing like a maniac. Needless to say, when I was stepping down the stairs the garbage from the previous day had spread lazily on the stairs. Wasn't much, for we don't cook at home. By 'we' I don't mean my hot fantasy guy but my flatmate.

So, anyways, as luck would have it -- her luck! *chuckle* -- she pointed towards the tissue papers and stuff spread on the stairs. Honestly I couldn't care less. I mean, seriously WTF!Its plain garbage and the lady will come and take it away! I have better things to worry about...like the non-existence of hot, yummilicious guys in office or in the vicinity! Just as she pointed towards that specific tissue in question, the poor chap had a friend sitting besides it and quiet proudly I must say!
Yes, people, it was a CONDOM! ta da!!! Now, I have not been getting naughty or even slightly lucky...so you get the picture.

My poor flatmate, the brave (and repulsive, idiotic, pathetic, disgusting, detestable, execrable, raunchy, odious, repugnant, abhorrent, obscene, lewd, abominable, hideous, repulsive, salacious and blah blah blah) girl that she is, she went on about the lazy lady who had better work to do than come clean our garbage at night! Why, the lady wasnt even considerate enough about our poor stairs and my flatmate! She should have come running at 11:00 p.m. to take away our garbage for it was windy. Such are the ruthless people in this world. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.....endless sigh's...Yawn.

The used bubble was sitting there like a proud owner of the stairs, or actually the house. I couldn't help but scrutinize it as I was 'cuming' down the stairs. (Damn I can snort when I laugh! Fuck!). The innocent looking light pinkish thing. And then I saw the disgusting thing floating inside it. Yuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk! Enough! Time to move on!!!

This incident made my few grey cells to work overtime...they are fewer left now, thanks to that sublime sight. Bubbles are for precaution. Lot of people use them. Well, in India its a different story all together. How else would you justify the buses swarming with people or the metros too even for that matter? Yesterday only I was talking to a hot office friend about the plight of metros...men trying desperately to push against your butt or anywhere else for that matter. Sex education is badly needed in schools. Why else would they push against all the wrong places? Someone tell them that female body is not covered with holes all over for gods sake! I am definitely not suggesting that they push/touch/feel somewhere else though!

Getting back to the main point, when people can use bubbles as they would rather use precaution than worry later, why can't they take as much precaution in disposing them? Next time on, do thy neighbor a favor, dispose them properly!

Anyways, the innocent pink plastic is still sleeping on the stairs of our house hoping to be re-used again. I am wondering if someone would be kind enough to clean it up before I reach back home at night. Hence the post!

For all the good things but mostly the bad

This one is scribbled by a friend of mine...I am posting it here on her behalf...

For all the good things but mostly the bad
I still have a person hidden inside my heart
He seems to care not for me
It sure does make sense too
For all for the good things but mostly the bad

A curve leads all the way across my little blue cheeks
Holding that hand which is worth the endless week

I know deep inside that its not gonna work
pronounce me as right or even as wrong
but my feelings remain just as strong
For all the good things but mostly the bad
I still have a person hidden inside my heart

The Journey

The days of glory gone past
Or are they truly yet to arrive
Running past the unknown crowd
Few faces familiar to the falling lids
Clasping the arms of a stranger
I brushed past another lot

The shadows close by
Trying to hide their existence
Reality of birth intermingled with fear
I shed light on my path
Ample sheath of pain and tears
Drowning away the agony of the future

I chose to stay ahead of the lover and the priest
The unknown territory my carved out niche
Rum mingled with fear, I drink it all
Brush past the daily trials with faith and nudging dread
The love of journey and craze of the destination
Keeps my adrenalin at an all time high